A great question came up the other day on Facebook
and I thought it would be beneficial to look at the answer from a Biblical perspective.
The question was this, “Do I have to forgive someone who hasn’t asked for my
forgiveness.” What I soon discovered was that the answer to this question is a
difficult and multi-dimensional one.
My immediate response just off the top of my head
was to say that yes we must. The words of Jesus say this in Matthew 5:23-24 "Therefore, if
you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother
has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First
go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” But the problem with using that verse alone
is that it does not address every situation. Actually this verse is speaking
about our being the one who appears to have either transgressed against another
or at the very least having something going on that has caused this person to
believe we have offended them. In this case it our duty to go directly to that
person and attempt to settle the matter. Without delving deeply into that scenario,
it is safe to say the overall tenor of scripture requires us to be loving and
Christ-like in our approach, seeking their forgiveness.
But what about people
who do not recognize they have sinned against us or simply refuse to seek our forgiveness?
The Bible provides a simple procedure for dealing with this. Again it is Jesus
who gives us this commandment in Matthew 18:15-17 "If your brother sins against
you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to
you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two
others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two
or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church;
and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan
or a tax collector.” If we fail to follow the Biblical method then we are in
error as well. Most people do not like confrontation but that is what Jesus
instructs here. We must seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance whenever we face this
type of confrontation; otherwise we will fail in being like Christ in how we
speak to others.
So here we have a clear commandment. We are to go to those
who have sinned against us and confront them. Notice though we don’t go to take
a heavy hand of condemnation, but are to attempt to win them over. Then we see
a progression to take that in the end may result in our having to essentially
deny the person fellowship. You don’t have to be friends with those who hurt
you and refuse loving attempts of correction.
But take note of something; no where does it say to harbor
hatred or bitterness toward them. The Bible has plenty to say about bitterness
and anger and those are things we simply as Christians cannot carry in our
hearts or minds. Ephesians 4:31 says we
must “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander,
along with every form of malice.” Even the world of secular psychology will
tell us the consequences of bitterness and anger are not healthy for us and can
even cause illness.
Jesus also commands us to go another step in our dealings
with those who hurt us. Listen to Jesus speaking in Matthew 5:43-48 "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your
neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for
those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He
causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the
righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will
you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your
brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be
perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Again, this type of
behavior will require we walk in the Spirit for our own wickedness will keep us
from following through on this commandment.
I would like to wrap this up with some solid Biblically
based advice from Jay Adams, renowned Biblical Counseling author. In his book A
Theology of Christian Counseling he writes;
“While forgiveness must not be granted to those who do not
seek it repentantly (if he repents, forgive him --- Luke 17:3), the one who “has
something against anyone” may not hold it against him in his heart. Before God
in prayer, he is to forgive him (i.e., he must tell God he will not hold it
against him no longer). He may not brood on it. But this forgiving in prayer
(in his own heart before God) does not preclude his responsibility to pursue
the matter with the offender. He does this
(1) for
Christ’s sake,
(2) for the
sake of the peace of the church,
(3) for the
sake of the offender and
(4) for the
purpose of reconciliation.
The one who has relieved his own mind and heart of the
burden of the offense in prayer growing out of a truly forgiving attitude, will
have little difficulty granting forgiveness when it is sought. And in the
meantime, he will avoid the destructive results of resentment.”
I think the point of what Adams is saying is that by going
to God and giving it up to Him, we are trusting in God’s Word that tells us
that God is the avenger, not us and we believe God when He tells us in
scripture that “For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will
repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people." (Hebrews 10:30). For you see God’s justice is
righteous while ours is tainted by our own sinfulness. By letting God be the
judge we can more easily fulfill the great commission to take the Gospel to,
even those who we are wronged by.
I hope this short study sheds some
light on this question. I suggest we continue to be diligent in searching the
Scriptures and depending on the Holy Spirit to be our teacher. I think we can
sum it up by saying that forgiveness can be said to be dependent upon
repentance, but we need to allow God to be the judge of others and in our
hearts be prepared for the day when those who have sinned against us will
return to both God and us seeking forgiveness. Until that day comes our efforts
would be best spent praying for their salvation as opposed to dwelling in the
land of bitterness and anger. Colossians 3:12-14 seems to be a good place to
start and I leave this study with the Word of God that says this;
“Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves
with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each
other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive
as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds
them all together in perfect unity.”
